Can you divorce an abusive spouse?

It seems some Christians missed the memo and forgot how to apply Scripture.

First, let me reassure you - Yes, you can.

Siora Photography

Let’s talk about an extremely prevalent problem among Christians and the Church. The Belief that someone can’t divorce an abusive spouse.

For years I have come across comments, posts, stories, and personal experiences regarding this and it makes me sick to my stomach. (For the purposes of this article the spouses gender is a woman, but this absolutely applies to men who are being abused.)

There are so many Christian women out there who are in a relationship where their husband is abusive, whether it be physically, emotionally, sexually, or psychologically.

They finally get the courage to seek help and what do they get?

Christians incorrectly throw the Bible at them about divorce and to top off that stupidity, they say that since the husband isn’t cheating, she can’t divorce him because she would be sinning.

Basically, she needs to hunker down, get the concealer ready, and pray harder because she’s doing something wrong. (part of this from a direct quote sadly)

I primarily see this in Christian forums, or on Christian social media groups believe it or not. But I have witnessed it in person as well and I would say a good 75% of the time this or something similar is the “advice” they get in response.

I get so damn infuriated about this, how in the world could you say to someone that they deserve this? Because that is exactly what they are saying to her.

Now, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, I know what scripture says about marriage and divorce, and I think that if you make the willing choice to be married, then crap hits the fan you need to figure it out.

But abuse (any form) goes to a whole new level that is beyond normal marital issues, this is what I'm addressing today.

I wanted to address this issue because it absolutely ticks me off to no end that people, especially Christians who think it is okay for another individual to abuse somebody and that they have to sit there and take the abuse.

So we’re going to look at a of couple things and hopefully inspire a reevaluation of the Scripture.

Point 1 — I decided to Google search this exact question. “is there a sexual component to an abuser's behavior in a relationship”

Here is the consistent term that kept coming up - “Intimate relationship”

The two people involved in the situation have or have had a sexually intimate relationship. That is typically THE big power play for an abuser. That sexual aspect of the relationship is a gateway so to speak.

Because they had intimate relations together there is an emotional vulnerability in women that these men use to their advantage, whether immediately or later on.

I want to know how is this different than “sexual immorality” in the Bible?

Generally speaking, when we are reading scripture and see the countless references and verses to sexual immorality, the first thing that pops up in our head is sex outside marriage or same-sex relationships. However, that isn’t the only thing that that refers to.

Sexual immorality refers to doing something sexual that goes against God’s design. It means that you are defying God’s law in how to treat sex, and God is very clear, throughout all of Scripture on how we are to treat one another.

Let me set up an example: Pornography

It’s not stated in the Bible not to watch it but we know from Scripture not to. How? Because we know how to apply Scripture. The same application of Scripture should be done in these situations as well.

Point 2 — Matthew 5:31–32 “ except for the cause of sexual immorality”

As I was writing this I got curious and looked up this verse in various translations because I wanted to see how this topic became misconstrued in the church over the years and used against victims.

I wasn’t surprised at the amount of times the word “fornication” was used, 5 out of 11 translations. Thankfully the newer translations did a better job with the word “porneia”, still not great in all of them, but at least better.

“Porneia” is where we get the word porn/pornography from, a sexual immorality that we understand is immoral because as stated above we applied Scripture.

But the word itself does not exclusively mean just the definition of porn, people generally know this or should know that at least.

So why is it taught in the church that it only means “adultery,” or “fornication”? When it means “sexual immorality.”

Here comes my typical common sense bluntness.

Abuse is: A Sexual Immorality; because it has a sexual component to it in the relationship. I would think anyone who clicked on this article out of curiosity and read it has had sex and knows the power it holds in a relationship.

I don’t need sources or articles to back that up. This is common sense and if you have ever been in an abusive relationship, you know exactly what I am referring to.

I haven’t even gotten to everything else Scripture teaches us about how we are to treat one another. Why all of a sudden does that go out the door in this situation?

This is why we need to look at scripture as a whole, not take one verse and further abuse victims of abuse with it.

Let me bring in another aspect to think on.

To hate is to commit murder. = Abuse is attempted murder.

I know, quite the leap there, going from talking about yes, you can divorce an abuser to, abuse being attempted murder.

In a way, yes this is a bit of a stretch, however, my stretch holds some merit because abuse can and has led to victims (and sometimes their children) being murdered by their abuser.

That fact alone stands on its own merit in showing the reality and severity of the abuser’s mind. At the very least this all deserves an honest reevaluation of Scripture.

An abuser holds hatred toward his victim, they hate them because of the guilt they feel for what they are doing, there is a cycle of hatred and anger built up within the abuser.

To continually and intentionally hurt someone is literally the opposite of love.

While the Scripture does not specifically talk about abusive relationships and if we can divorce a spouse for abuse. It also doesn’t specifically talk about other things as well, like pornography, but we use Scripture to know how to navigate those situations correctly.

How come this isn’t one of those situations?

© Jane Isley

First published in Never Stop Writing on Medium.