The Blessing of a Contrary Child

If I had only two children, I might have been a perfect parent.  

But God blessed me with child #3. Our biological son was raised in the same home, by the same parents as the first two kiddos, but when God knit him together in my womb, He gave my son a free spirit. So I gave him rules.

When he was two, we spent the weekend with friends at their lake home. Mr. Free Spirit made a rude, not-worth-repeating comment to our host. Our friend could easily withstand an insult from an untamed toddler, but I demanded an apology from my son.  He crossed his arms and shook his head. What he had said was the truth. Why should he apologize for speaking the truth?  

You must apologize to Mr. Host, or you won’t be allowed to go on the boat.

I’m not apologizing. 

No boat.

Mr. Free Spirit and I spent the afternoon alone in the cabin while everyone else enjoyed tubing and water skiing. I tried to show him the err in his ways. We need to treat others the way we want to be treated.  How would you feel if someone said something rude to you?  After an afternoon on a boatless timeout, we rejoined the party. It became quite obvious to me at this point which of my children would easily follow and spend eternity with Jesus, for everyone knows obedient children end up in Heaven, right?

Just like obedient adults. Obedient adults follow the rules. 

They wake up to their alarms and get to work on time. The bills are paid on time, and they live within their means. While speeding may be against the law, it is possibly the only outward violation they commit on a regular basis. Occasional flirting, but not a full-blown affair, may be brushed off as within the bounds of marriage. The inner thoughts nobody knows about allow the obedient people to come across as, well, good. They are good people.

Each of us has our own standards for how we separate the ‘good’ people from the ‘bad’ people. Good people are nice and friendly. They may smile as you pass them on the sidewalk. Bad people may yell swear words and spit as you pass them on the sidewalk. I could make a list of how my mind categorizes people into good and bad, but I’ll refrain. 

You have your own list.  Ponder it.

God created each of us with a natural disposition, which has then been molded and shaped by our upbringing. People gifted with a naturally compliant disposition have an easier time being good. People with a naturally contrary disposition have a more challenging time being good. So did God create some people to have an easier time making it into Heaven?

If we were judged on our good works, then maybe that would be true, but God looks deeper. “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7b)

The naturally compliant person here may actually be at a disadvantage. The more good they do, the more they are praised, which perpetuates a never-ending cycle of good works- praise - good works - praise. The ‘good’ person begins to accept the ‘fact’ that they are naturally good. If someone is already good, what do they need God for? They assume, of course, they are already good enough to enter the Pearly Gates.  The deadly pitfall for the naturally compliant person is Pride.

The naturally contrary person here may actually have the advantage. The more they try to be ‘good’, the more aware they become of their ‘badness’. As they become aware of their tendency towards sin, they also come to realize they will never be good enough. They need something, someONE, who will help them. They can’t live a ‘good’ life on their own. The life-giving gift of the naturally contrary person is Humility.

My hands-on parenting days are over.  Hubby and I are in the early stages of empty-nesterhood.  I reflect a lot on what I should have done differently as a mom, knowing all the while that I did the best I could. My most recent thought is that I should have praised the compliant children less and given more grace to the contrary.

 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left….Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” (Matthew 25:31-33, 46)

First published in Pursuing Perfection on Substack by © Tessa Lind, tessalind.substack.com