Voices in the Wilderness: PTSD, a Feeding Tube, and the Faithfulness of God
Editor's Note: While many readers know me as the founder of Faithful Writers, fewer know the story behind this interview. What follows is not a neatly packaged testimony, but a season marked by medical trauma, uncertainty, and some very dark days. I am grateful to Nora for the opportunity to share how God met me in the middle of getting a G-J feeding tube and one of the most difficult periods of my life.
You may remember the original call to action article, inviting readers to participate in an interview series about finding oneself in a spiritual wilderness, needing and meeting God in isolated circumstances, and coming to believe in the goodness and faithfulness of God as
He consistently shows up through the storms of life.
This time, I had the distinct pleasure and honor of interviewing the founder of Faithful Writers, who believed in me enough to offer me the role of Editor and continues to help me grow as a faithful writer, editor, and prayer warrior. Meet Jane, a brave survivor of PTSD from medical trauma, artist, writer, editor, and, most importantly, a precious child of God.
So without further ado, let’s dive right into it!
The Season of Wilderness and Physical Suffering
Nora Gwen: Can you describe a season in your life when you felt as though you were in a proverbial “wilderness” — a place of uncertainty, isolation, loss, waiting, or spiritual struggle? What was happening in your life at that time?
Jane Isley: A little over a year ago, I was going through the process of preparing for a permanent feeding tube, but before that could happen, I had to have an NJ tube for at least 30 days; I went 39 days.
Most people in my life knew it was happening, but no one knew how excruciatingly bad it was. Those 39 days trump just about every single illness, loss, injury, and medical emergency I have ever had, making them look small in comparison. I was severely depressed; my life stopped, and I developed PTSD from that experience.
Nora Gwen: Oh wow, Jane. I can’t even imagine how painful and frightening that entire experience must have been for you.
Jane Isley: I felt abandoned, and in the human world, the medical staff who were supposed to help me actually abandoned me. I would sit for days in my office, not moving — not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t. That, combined with the pain and three severe infections I suffered back-to-back in those 39 days, nearly made me give up on the whole process.
I was isolated from everything and everyone around me — not by choice, but by my body — and I purposely hid the severity of it from all but three people.
I sat there many days with my eyes closed, counting down the seconds until the pain was over, asking God to stay with me even when I was angry and distant from Him, and demanding that someday this misery would be used for good, because there was no way I was going to continue going through what I was going through and not have Him use it in the future.
Nora Gwen: That time must have been so excruciatingly lonely and discouraging for you.
During that wilderness season, how did you experience God — or, perhaps, how did you struggle to experience Him? Were there particular moments when you sensed His presence, guidance, provision, or silence?
Jane Isley: Depression, no matter the cause, is no joke, and it should never be taken lightly; it can destroy anyone’s soul if you let it. My experience with God through those 39 days was in my memory. I could barely feel Him at times in my present because my mind and body were consumed, so I looked to my past, to my memories.
I was tired, sick, and my emotions were numbed out. Because I was aware of what was happening, I knew that what I was feeling was a physical response to stress and the burnout spiral of living with autism, not a spiritual distance from God.
And when I wasn’t numb, I was either very angry or faking happiness with this process for other people’s sake. So I didn’t feel Him as I normally would, but how I did feel Him was in remembering the feeling of feeling Him.
“Depression, no matter the cause, is no joke, and it should never be taken lightly; it can destroy anyone’s soul if you let it.”
Nora Gwen: As you know, I recently wrote about the numbness that comes when one is all cried out — an incredibly lonely state of mind regardless of how many people are around you. I deeply empathize with that part of your emotional journey.
Jane Isley: In remembering every moment God pulled me through, remembering every time He spoke to me, remembering every time He saved my life, I had to remember Him, and I played a lot of Bible stories and learned that I could have the Bible read to me on my phone, because I could not physically bend my head down without gagging or throwing up.
Nora Gwen: I love this part… Not the physical suffering, of course, but your reliance on spiritual tools — turning to God and Scripture for relief, comfort, and the strength to face a painful medical journey. Knowing that He goes before us and fights our battles is so powerful!
Jane Isley: I don’t believe in silence from God. For God to be truly silent, everything in the world would have no choice but to cease to exist; absolute silence would mean His complete withdrawal.
What I do believe in is God’s quietness — much like sitting beside someone to comfort them, just being there. That is what I felt: Him sitting next to me, fully aware of what my body was enduring, not judging me, just present.
He knew I was struggling; He knew my tears; He knew I was still standing with Him even when I was numb. So He was quiet, but never silent. It was up to me to remember Him even when I was numb, angry, sick, or crying in pain.
“For God to be truly silent, everything in the world would have no choice but to cease to exist; absolute silence would mean His complete withdrawal.”
Discoveries, Surrender, and Surmounting Medical Trauma
Nora Gwen: The comfort of God’s quiet presence, reminding us we are never alone, is such a beautiful gift. Looking back, what did your wilderness experience reveal to you about yourself, your faith, and your relationship with God that you might not have discovered under different circumstances?
Jane Isley: I would say, looking back, this period was used for two distinct things.
The first was that I waited nearly 20 years in prayer for health and healing. There was a day about a month before the appointment that set the feeding tube in motion when I sat back after writing something that I never published, and I calmly and peacefully told God that I was okay with how thin I was; I was okay if this was the rest of my life, that I would learn to live with it and not fight it, because I knew He would pull me through it and that I accepted the non-answer as His answer.
The peace in letting go of a fight that was never mine to fight in the first place was something else; let me tell ya, I can’t explain it. I just simply walked away from the battle and left every ounce of it in His hands.
That peace in the middle of surrendering one of my biggest battles is something I had to feel, I had to experience firsthand, I had to do. Next thing I know, I’m at an appointment with a new GI doctor, and he goes, “Well, would you do an NJ feeding tube for 30 days?” I practically yelled, “Yes!”
“I calmly and peacefully told God that I was okay with how thin I was; I was okay if this was the rest of my life, that I would learn to live with it and not fight it, because I knew He would pull me through it and that I accepted the non-answer as His answer.”
Nora Gwen: This is such an incredible testimony, Jane! Surrendering completely to God in those refining moments is a powerful testament to The Refiner’s Fire.
Jane Isley: Just like parables in the Bible, all stories can have multiple meanings; this is the second distinct revelation about myself that this experience prepared me for, and that one turned out to be worse than the 39 days, just in another way.
It was used as preparation for what happened when I had permanent surgery for a GJ tube in my stomach once the NJ tube was removed. I’ve sort of hinted a little bit that something went wrong, but now I can finally say it out loud: when I had surgery, the doctor messed up badly — the kind worthy of a lawsuit. They know it, I know it, and they know I have all the proof printed in my office.
I went through a whole other kind of hell for months after that; that one sunk me into a severe depression. I don’t think the depression would have been as catastrophic as it was if I didn’t have to keep going through “patch job” procedures to temporarily “fix” the screw-up until I could have my Mic-key button placed.
And yes, I am now formally diagnosed with medical trauma-induced PTSD from all of that, and I am currently in intensive Christian therapy for it.
I had to grit through that without proper medical support or follow-up; I was denied appointments by the facility, and they denied that I was in pain. I was in so much physical pain; there were days I could barely stand, let alone sneeze. I prayed I wouldn’t sneeze or cough for months, and guess what? God full on delivered that for me. I didn’t sneeze or cough for months, and I have allergies to everything and asthma.
Nora Gwen: That sounds like immense mental anguish on top of severe physical pain. I am glad to hear you are receiving Christian therapy to work through the understandable emotional toll of that medical trauma. That research project sounds like a great topic for a future story!
Jane Isley: Haha, yes it does!
Nora Gwen: Returning to your story, let’s talk more about the moments where you experienced God’s presence most profoundly…
Jane Isley: Well, with all that going on, I still had to work; I still had to get through each day somehow. I had to rely on memories again during this time, and this time it was a lot harder, but because I had those 39 solid days fresh in my mind, I relied on that to pull me through.
This is also when I learned to be more open with God about my anger, and that He could and would take on my anger towards Him, and He still loved me. I said some things in those days to Him, things I will never share, but He stood there; He took it all in, He saw my tears, He wiped my tears, He reminded me of what I had just gone through and survived, and still He never left my side once.
During that season, I had the chance to encounter God twice in ways that transcend this world; those two moments are for me alone, though, and I keep them tucked away so I never forget them. Those two moments showed me a very real and tangible Father, and for the nonbelievers, those two moments are no different to me than you feeling the wind or the warm light of the sun on your skin.
Nora Gwen: Experiencing the reality of God is an amazing gift, Jane. How did walking through the wilderness change your relationship with God? Did it affect the way you pray, read Scripture, trust Him, worship, or understand His character?
Jane Isley: This experience changed just about every way I experience God; from the moment I surrendered my weight and health, He literally took the wheel of my life.
It was a little over a year ago now when that happened, and the huge shift in my life is visible: I gained 40 lbs because of Him. I can’t look in a mirror without seeing His hand; He did that, not me. I learned that trust has to go both ways in our relationship with Him, no different than a relationship with another person; sometimes you just have to let go and trust.
I also began to better understand His relationship with us; when I was numb, depressed, and angry, I struggled to feel Him, if at all. But looking back, I realized I did feel Him. I was just looking for a different feeling; I was looking for a feeling I would get under more “normal” circumstances.
Now I realize that the next time something goes horribly wrong, I need to recognize that my mind and body are running with different chemicals flying through them and stop assuming I should “feel” Him the same way I would when that’s not happening. God was meeting me the entire time; I just didn’t recognize it because I was looking for specific feelings, but those feelings can be nearly impossible when you are severely depressed and then toss in the joys of autism.
It was small things, things that are hard to explain but are also seared in my memory. So next time I will understand (for me at least, because everyone is different) that I need to look for the creative part of God that we forget exists. He was reaching out the whole time; I was just so stuck on what I thought He would feel like that I missed a whole lot of Him reaching out. Man, I hope that makes sense.
Reflecting on the Journey and Encouragement for Others
Nora Gwen: Now that you have some distance from that experience, how do you understand your wilderness season differently? Is there anything you would say to another Christian who is currently walking through their own wilderness?
Jane Isley: You don’t have to be diagnosed with autism to numb out when the world gets too loud and painful; we are built with protective measures so our minds don’t break under extreme stress. When you are in the middle of a storm, remember that physiological responses can alter how you experience the world, including how you perceive God’s presence.
That altered state does not mean He is absent. Silence is not an option for God because He is everywhere at all times. We just have to look for the subtle ways He shows up, whether through a beautiful flower, a cat purring on your lap, or simply savoring a favorite comfort food.
Also, remember that some days He is sitting right next to us on that couch while we bawl our eyes out, being that stable, quiet, protective Father that we need because our minds can’t take any more words.
Nora Gwen: Thank you, Jane, for sharing your story so honestly and vulnerably. You are an inspiration to many readers and aspiring writers, including me. Your testimony, resilience, and faith offer hope to those seeking God and validation for those walking through similar seasons. We deeply appreciate your time, openness, and dedication to serving Christ.
Explore other stories from this interview series:
Want to share your wilderness story?
Nora Gwen is always looking for new stories for the Voices in the Wilderness series. Follow her on Medium for future interviews, or contact her directly through Medium or by email if you would like to be interviewed in the future.
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