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I  was mentally preparing myself upcoming doctor’s appointment for my daughter in the shower. (Some people sing in the shower; well, I think in the shower.)

For reference, our hospital system took a nosedive here a while back, and it’s been a nerve-wracking experience since, especially for anyone who has chronic conditions.

Anyway, so there I am in the shower, thinking through the appointment, and I mentally threw two previous doctors under the bus. I thought some really not-so-nice things in my head.

I was feeling this subtle, pressurized bitterness and anger inside me that wanted to keep building, so I fed it.

I felt justification for the anger that started to seethe inside of me and those not-so-nice thoughts because there had been some horrific instances.

Then, in a moment of bitterness and anger, I just became weary of it all.

I made a conscious choice and whispered the words “take captive my thoughts.” A millisecond couldn’t have even slipped by before I heard, “Pray for the doctors who failed your daughter; they need it the most.” 

My heart lurched, and everything went still for a moment. I felt a deep conviction that pulled me down, and I sat there on the shower floor crying. Without words, I sought His forgiveness for what I had done, then and in the past. 

He knows what we’ve been through; He was there right beside us through it all. He acknowledged that yes, she was wronged, and He understood my hesitation and fear of doctors, but I still need you to pray for them.

In that moment, I learned so many things.

It’s easy for us to take something that happened and hold onto those past hurts without contemplating the situation. We then move on, believing we are fine, when in fact we are not.

We need to acknowledge when we are hurt. None of what I’m saying means we aren’t allowed to do this or that we don’t experience emotions from whatever may have happened to us. But it is important to take time, think about it, and take it to God. Big or little, just take it to Him.

Don’t be like me.

Don’t let it all build up like that, after each crappy incident I would go home, be mad and vent but I didn’t really reached out to God about it. I never asked Him to help me with how I was feeling or what I should do with it.

That’s why I became weary. 

It all finally caught up with me at that moment, and I was so tired of trying to hold onto it all. God hugged me, and I felt that deep within my heart; I also didn’t feel He was angry at me, He just gently chided me and told me it was time that I switch my thinking and pray for them.

It was a fresh start to a new way of thinking; a weight was lifted off my shoulders that I never realized was there.

Since that day in the shower, I had my own experience where I left my doctor’s office hurt, and it was a justifiable situation with what happened. With this new awareness, though, I was able to be able to vent and talk about what happened, stay positive, thoughtful, and calmer, and actively take it to God.

And yes, I prayed for this provider; in fact, I still do when I think about her. It’s been a couple of months now. I feel a calm, a gentleness now in me, and it’s been growing to the point that my fear and hesitation with anything involving a hospital and clinic are starting to get better.

My thought of the day:

Maybe if we all said a prayer every time we are hurt or we think of an old hurt and choose to start the process of forgiveness, we could change the world a little at a time.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

© Jane Isley

First Published in Frontier Writers (Anya Praise)

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