Abusive spouses, divorce, and the Bible: Breaking free from the doctrine, tradition, and ignorance.

ChatGPT

(Revised article from 12/24, that was 1st published in Never Stop Writing)

I was discussing a prevalent view among the church and held by many Christians: the belief that a spouse can’t leave and divorce an unrepentant and abusive spouse. They got it all wrong, and I’m here to help.

For years, I have come across comments, posts, stories, and personal experiences regarding this, and it still makes me sick to my stomach when I see it.

Too many Christians are still out there in a relationship where their spouse is abusing them, the type doesn’t matter, because abuse, is abuse, is abuse.

They finally get the courage to seek help, and what do I still see?

Other Christians on their pedestals, throwing Bible verses at people about divorce — that they don’t even understand what they are quoting to begin with, and then finishing it up with, since they aren’t cheating, they can’t divorce the abusive spouse, because that’s a sin.

She needs to “hunker down, get the concealer ready, and pray harder” because she’s doing something wrong in the first place. (literal quote in there)

I primarily see this nonsense in Christian-based forums, with women being the majority abused AND the Bible verse throwers, believe it or not. But I have also witnessed it in person as well. 

In both cases, I would estimate a good 75% of the time, this or something similarly negative or unsupportive is directed at the victim in response.

This is still so damn infuriating. How in the world can you say to someone, “hunker down” and “pray harder” when they are being beaten, or tell them to stay together for the sake of the children? 

I’ve been on the receiving end of that mentality, trust me, divorce and separation from the abusing parent would have been better.

Now, I wholeheartedly believe in the sanctity of marriage, and I think that if you make the willing choice to be married, and crap hits the fan you need to figure it out.

But abuse goes beyond normal marital issues.

I wanted to re-address this issue because it’s come up again. And to offer a Biblical breakdown on this. So if you are a man or a woman in an abusive marriage and you’re getting the Bible thrown at you, you can confidently stand up for yourself with Scripture.

Also, if anyone ever tells you to stay for any reason, you have my permission to walk away from those mouthpieces.

So we’re going to look at a couple of things because the church is not always right.

I started with a Google search of this question: “Is there a sexual component to an abuser’s behavior in a relationship?”

Here is the consistent term that kept coming up: “Intimate relationship”

The two people involved in the situation have or have had a sexually intimate relationship. That is typically THE big power play for an abuser.

 That sexual aspect of the relationship is a gateway, so to speak.

Because they had intimate relations together, there is an emotional vulnerability in women and men that these abusers use to their advantage, whether immediately or later on.

Sexual immorality.

Generally speaking, when we are reading Scripture and see the countless references and verses to sexual immorality, the first thing that pops up in our head is sex outside marriage or same-sex relationships. However, that isn’t the only thing that it refers to.

Sexual immorality refers to doing anything sexual that goes against God’s design (lust, adultery, prostitution, rape, sexual violence and misconduct). 

Let me set up an example: Pornography.

It’s not stated in the Bible not to watch it, do it, or condone it, but we know from Scripture not to. 

How? 

Because we applied Scripture, the same application of Scripture should be done in abusive situations as well, but it’s not.

Matthew 5:31–32 “ except for the cause of sexual immorality”

Domestic Abuse is a Sexual Immorality

Because it has a sexual component to it in the relationship. I would think anyone who clicked on this article out of curiosity and read it has had sex and knows the power it holds in a relationship.

This is common sense, and if you have ever been in an abusive relationship, you know exactly what I am referring to.

I haven’t even gotten to everything else Scripture teaches us about how we are to treat one another. Why all of a sudden does that go out the door in this situation?

This is why we need to look at Scripture as a whole, not take one verse and further abuse victims of abuse with it.

1 Corinthians 7:15 “But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”

The abuser has abandoned their spouse in every way possible, and they don’t have to pack a bag and leave to do so. Their actions, their abuse, is abandonment and a break in the marriage vows.

Let me bring in another aspect to think on.

To hate is to commit murder.

1 John 3:15 “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, […]”

Abuse is attempted murder.

I know, quite the leap there, going from talking about yes, you can divorce an abuser, to abuse being attempted murder.

In a way, yes, this is a bit of a stretch; however, my stretch holds merit because abuse can and has led to victims (and their children) being murdered by their abuser.

That fact alone stands on its own merit in showing the reality and severity of the abuser’s mind. At the very least, this all deserves an honest reevaluation of Scripture and your stance on believing divorce is not allowed in this situation.

An abuser holds hatred toward their victim; they have hatred in their hearts, the “hardened heart” that Moses and Jesus acknowledged. There is a cycle of hatred and anger built up within the abuser.

“The abusive man hates the woman for continuing to exist outside of him.” (1)

To continually and intentionally hurt someone is literally the opposite of love.

While the Scripture does not specifically talk about abusive relationships and if we can divorce a spouse for abuse. 

It also doesn’t specifically talk about pornography either, but we use Scripture to know how to navigate that situation correctly.

How come that can't happen here?

Christians who hold to this mindset, think again and watch your words.

I want you to get comfortable somewhere, close your eye and then imagine yourself beaten down, exhausted, depressed, anxious, getting sick, losing weight, crying, criticized constantly, your every move watched, documented, and questioned, not knowing when the next slap will come, not knowing if you’ll be forced to have sex, being isolated, beaten, stabbed, and robbed of your life.

Any person abusing anyone can no longer claim they are a Christian; they have turned away from God, and they will stay that way until they are truly repentant. The person they are hurting has been abandoned and should be protected at all costs.

I want people to think about these next points when it comes to divorce, and those who still stand by not getting a divorce when a person is being abused and their partner is unrepentant.

You are more than welcome to use the comment section and justify to me and God why any of the below is allowed to happen to another human being.

1. Physical Abuse: Persistent physical abuse violates the marriage vow to love and cherish and poses a threat to the spouse’s well-being.

2. Verbal and Emotional Abuse: Continuous verbal cruelty and emotional manipulation can be equally destructive.

3. Addictions: Unrepentant addictions to drugs, alcohol, or gambling that harm the family’s welfare.

4. Sexual Immorality: Persistent engagement in pornography or other sexual sins. (martial rape as well)

5. Threats of Harm: Verbal threats of physical harm or actual physical violence. (2)

   
   

Abuse is beyond normal marital issues; abuse is damaging on levels you have no idea of unless you have been through it. 

Jesus did not say at any point that a person can be beaten, betrayed, broken, abandoned, or raped and take it, no, we are to love and protect. 

We also have the duty to hold the abuser accountable, the victim has the duty to protect themselves, and the duty to protect any children involved.

“The goal is always reconciliation and restoration, but when a spouse remains unrepentant, divorce may become necessary to protect the innocent party.” (2)

The source I just used proves my point on the ignorance out there still regarding the divorce of an abusive spouse. There are three comments; here's the third one.

I’ve made my point clear. Anyone who disagrees, you know where my comment section and email are.

Need help?

If your church won’t help you, walk away; do not be discouraged by other people’s stupidity. 

Go to God and call this number 1–800–799–7233. This is the national domestic violence hotline.

I am a very vocal person when it comes to abuse. I have suffered abuse at the hands of many in my lifetime. I write as a Christian and as a survivor of an abusive mother who watched her father be abused for 14 years by a “christian” wife. I write from personal experience and as a Christian. No person should ever be abused; we should never tolerate any such behavior.

© Jane Isley

---

(Revised article from 12/24, that was 1st published in Never Stop Writing on Medium.com)

Sources:

(1) Lundy Bancroft; Ever Wonder Why Your Abusive Partner Hates You?

(2) Wisdom International; Biblical Reasons for Divorce