Choosing Peace Over Being Right: Why I’m Done Being the “Bigger Person”
“Be the bigger person.”
Nah Bruh.
Nah.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I do in fact use language like this on occasion. My hubby can testify to that. He loves it [insert sarcastic tone here] when I refer to him as “Bruh.”
In my defense, I am surrounded by teenagers all day, every day, so some of the trends rub off on me a bit. This just happens to be one I find to be particularly amusing, so I’ve adopted it for fun. Regarding the expression “Be the bigger person” please consider the following explanation to prevent any confusion and provide clarity for the purposes of our conversation here:
You are absolutely correct if your understanding of the phrase “being the bigger person” means allowing the other person to at least feel like they have won the argument for the moment. Perhaps it is simply a play on words, but this expression implies ego and pride in my opinion.
The point here is prioritizing and protecting peace by not engaging anymore than necessary with fighting to be right, known in some circles as “right-fighting.” Some would call that being the bigger person or taking the high road by walking away and letting the other person perceive a “win” or at least have the last word, so to speak.
In essence that is precisely what I am doing as well. The difference is that I don’t consider myself any bigger or better than anyone else. Instead I choose to frame it as taking a gentle and humble approach bearing the perceived “loss” with LOVE for my neighbors.
Hope this helps clarify the confusion expressed in previous comments here.
What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “Be the bigger person”? Another similar saying is “Take the high road.” Although the intention is good [assign best possible motives], the delivery often comes across from a superior place of ego in my opinion.
Ponder these famous quotes regarding intentions before we dive deeper into the motives of people using language about being the “bigger person” or “taking the high road.”
Amy Dickinson: “We are not our best intentions. We are what we do.”
Pablo Picasso: “Actions outweigh intentions.”
Samuel Johnson: “Hell is paved with good intentions.”
Anonymous / Traditional Wisdom: “One kind deed is more beautiful than a thousand good intentions.”
James Clear: “When working with people, assume good intentions. When listening to people, interpret their words in a generous way.”
Although I appreciate the concept of choosing wisely when it comes to engaging in unnecessary “right-fighting,” which according to my own definition is fighting to be right at the cost of personal peace and healthy relationship satisfaction. Think “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
This idea of being the bigger or better person by abstaining from the right-fighting has the potential to stem from ego and pride, which contradict true spiritual growth and maturity. I keep wanting to end each of these declarative statements with the phrase IMO (in my opinion), but I suppose that is already implied by the mere fact that this is my personal narrative and not being presented as scientific fact; a truism for most, if not all, of my stories.
That being said, I would like to suggest that the approach to conflict and avoiding right-fighting in my own little world comes from my marriage verse, which states:
By reminding myself of this gentler approach to potential conflicts where ego [the need to be right or to win the argument] is involved, I get to breathe a deep sigh of peace, being relieved of the bondage of self in that miraculous moment of spiritual victory.
You may choose to continue the fight to be right or take the morally superior high road approach to conflicts if being right or better is your priority. As for me, I would rather be “happy” (peaceful) than be right (most of the time). You may have noticed this in some of my responses to readers’ comments when they attempt to engage me in a philosophical battle of sorts. Allowing them to safely express their thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in contrast with my own does not mean I do not hold strong to my personal convictions. It simply means I choose not to waste my energy on battles that have already been won through eternal spiritual victory.
The writer of Proverbs tells us “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”
I pray that God would guard my mouth and convict me of careless words before they slip through my lips, asking God to help me think about how the words may affect others before I speak them, because our words have the power of life and death.
On an unrelated subject that I will most likely consult with AI to help me connect the dots in full disclosure, I asked myself on a recent nature walk the following question out loud: “Is it ironic that this solitude is filling my love tank right now?” Immediately I experienced the calm reassurance [Holy Spirit whisper] in the answer to my inquiry, which was the knowledge that I am never truly alone.
An additional silly random thought on that same hike through the literal hills and valleys was this one: “Just call me Tinker Bell because I like to flitter about through your stories sprinkling encouraging comments like pixie dust wherever I go.” So much fun to spread kindness like confetti! If you haven’t tried that yet, I give it 5 stars — highly recommend!
Do you ever experience a deep, profound peace in your life that shuts the noise of this crazy world out for a few wonderful moments of stillness and regulates your big emotions with the calming effects of a few cleansing breaths that still the shaking trembles of your anxiety-induced panic attack or mental meltdown of sorts? If you have, then you know how amazing that gift of peace and stillness can be. These spiritual experiences aren’t just words or popular scriptures plastered on the side of a coffee mug or journaling pen to me. They are the living water from the well of eternal life.
Fictional character Indiana Jones chased the fountain of youth or the Holy Grail, only to barely survive to the next temporary adventure. Don’t get me wrong, those movies are fun to watch and the ride at Disneyland is one of my personal favorites. But it all falls so short of the extraordinary gift received by the woman at the well, who represents me in several powerful and poignant ways.
At first glance, setting aside the need to be right, seeking peace in solitude, and spreading light to others might seem like disconnected fragments of a daily walk. Yet they are intimately tied together by the same foundational truth: true peace comes when we relinquish our ego to receive quiet grace. When we stop striving to win every earthly argument, our hearts open to experience the quiet reassurance of never being alone — even in moments of complete solitude.
Anchored in that living water, we no longer need to defend ourselves or prove our worth. Instead, the peace that fills our own tank naturally overflows into how we interact with the world around us. Choosing quiet restraint over right-fighting gives us the freedom and joy to scatter kindness, encouragement, and love wherever we go.
Reflection & Journaling Questions
Where in your life or relationships are you currently clinging to the need to be “right,” and what would it look like to choose personal peace instead?
How does time spent in intentional quiet or solitude affect your spiritual clarity and emotional well-being?
What is one simple way you can extend grace or scatter encouragement to someone around you today?
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