Modern Christian Marriages: Struggles, Causes, and Hopes

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Introduction

Marriage is often regarded as a sacred covenant within Christianity, a union that mirrors the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:25–32). However, as society evolves, so too do the challenges and strains placed upon marital relationships.

Contemporary Christian couples face a multitude of pressures — cultural, personal, and spiritual — that test the resilience of their vows. My goal is to explore the phenomenon of troubled marriages within modern Christianity, examining root causes, the influence of societal change, theological perspectives, and how churches are responding to these critical issues.

My Personal Journey and Broader Trends

Sadly, I feel qualified to comment on this topic as I have faced two divorces and am now in a third marriage. For many conservative churches and Biblical literalists, this is a non-starter, as I’m judged to be living in perpetual adultery. 

Indeed, I have felt the sting of rejection from various churches over the years. It was bad enough in my second marriage, even worse now. There is a considerable backstory to each event, which alone would be a novel. I summarize that my first marriage dissolved based on considerable mental illness challenges with my first spouse and ignorance on my part. 

The second was a 24-year marriage that started out very stable at first, but due to years of instability in life challenges such as employment, education, and relocations, the union became an undesired obstacle that my second mate decided to no longer tolerate.

I’m happily married today with a more stable partner — but I’ve learned over the years the traps of Satan, and how he demolishes modern marriages — even in the household faith. It’s hard enough for recovery in divorces, but made much worse with the condemnation of the Christian church.

The Sanctity of Marriage in Christian Doctrine

From a doctrinal standpoint, marriage holds a foundational place in Christian theology. The book of Genesis presents marriage as an institution established by God (Genesis 2:24).

Jesus emphasizes its indissolubility in the Gospels (Matthew 19:6), and Paul’s letters extol the virtues of marital unity, love, and mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21–33). Such teachings have historically set a high bar for marital commitment and fidelity.

Yet, the gap between ideal and reality is often stark. 

In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller notes that “marriage brings you into more intense proximity to another human being than any other relationship can,” exposing flaws and vulnerabilities (Keller, 2011).

Even with strong religious conviction, Christian marriages are not immune to conflict and crisis. These pressures are all the more powerful in Western cultures built on competition to increase societal status, wealth, and education. The underlying assumption is that the more of these things, the more stable the marriage.

Modern Pressures on Christian Marriages

Several factors unique to the modern era contribute to marital strain among Christians:

Secularization and Shifting Cultural Norms: As Western societies become more secular, traditional Christian views on marriage are increasingly at odds with prevailing cultural narratives. Cohabitation before marriage, acceptance of divorce, and non-traditional family structures can erode the distinctive identity of Christian marriage (Smith, 2017).

Economic Stress: Economic instability, student loan debt, and the pressures of dual-income households create tension. According to a Pew Research study (2015), financial strain is one of the leading predictors of marital discord, regardless of religious commitment.

Technology and Infidelity: The digital age brings new temptations. Social media, online pornography, and dating apps have made emotional and physical infidelity more accessible (Raine & Wellman, 2012). For Christian couples who value chastity and faithfulness, such temptations present a grave challenge.

Individualism: Modern Western society places a high value on personal fulfillment, which sometimes clashes with the sacrificial love modeled in Christian teaching. “The self-centered marriage is the greatest threat to the relational closeness that God intended,” writes Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages (Chapman, 1992).

Variations in Christian Values and Practice: Not all who call themselves “Christian” have the same values. The fact that over 45 thousand different denominations of Christianity are in existence and growing is a significant sign that not all in the faith are on the same path. This can include the marriage and the family.

Biblical and Theological Perspectives on Marital Struggle

The Bible does not shy away from the reality of troubled marriages. From Abraham and Sarah’s disputes (Genesis 16) to the exhortations found in the Epistles, Scripture acknowledges human frailty within the marital covenant. 

Christian theologians have long debated divorce and reconciliation. Jesus’s statements in Matthew 19:9 allow divorce in cases of marital unfaithfulness, yet the overarching narrative calls for forgiveness and restoration (Wright, 2012).

It has been debated and still debated if the Laws of Moses were perfect.

While the laws were the standard, the Israelites were judged — and failed to obey, the laws were in fact a compromise between Moses and God.[1] Moses based his modification on the hardness of heart that was (and is) prevalent among humanity. Few today would find Moses’ solution acceptable, as only the husband could get rid of the wife. Jesus and his disciples nullified such practice as not being the true standard of God.

Furthermore, the Pauline model of marriage (Ephesians 5) emphasizes mutual respect, selfless love, and submission. However, critics point out that such ideals can be manipulated to excuse abuse or promote unhealthy dynamics if not properly contextualized (Bilezikian, 1985). The tension between upholding Biblical ideals and responding compassionately to real suffering remains a pastoral challenge.

Clearly, God desires marriage to be held sacred, permanent, and irrevocable. There is no argument against that necessity in meeting God’s perfect order. 

Still, reality creates grey zones when even attempting to meet God’s standards is extreme or impossible. The apostle Paul addressed this in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbelieving partner leaves, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved (bound), God has called you to peace.” 

Now this passage addresses Christians married to non-believers, which on the surface seems quite straightforward; however, it is not. If a person comes to Christ while married to an unbeliever, as long as the unbeliever desires to remain in the marriage, the marriage stands. 

However, what happens if two who claim to be believers marry, then begin to act in contrariness to Scripture and seek divorce, while still claiming to be a believer? There are many nuances and combinations of factors in marital breakdown that even the apostles do not directly address.

The Role of the Church

Churches today grapple with how to support struggling couples while remaining faithful to Scriptural teachings. Many congregations have developed robust marriage ministries offering counseling and promoting small groups for couples. 

Studies suggest that couples who engage in faith-based counseling or marital enrichment programs report greater satisfaction and resilience (Wilcox & Wolfinger, 2016).

At the same time, some churches have been criticized for responding inadequately to cases of abuse, codependency, or mental health challenges within marriages. The stigma surrounding divorce can lead to shame and isolation, preventing individuals from seeking help (Miller, 2018).

Denominations such as the Southern Baptist Convention and the Catholic Church continue to debate when and how divorce and remarriage are permissible, reflecting broader theological tensions.

Divorce and Remarriage in Modern Christianity

Divorce rates among Christians are often cited as similar to those in the general population, though recent research suggests that religiosity and regular church attendance can lower the risk of divorce (Barna Group, 2014). 

The debate over remarriage varies among denominations, with some permitting it in cases of infidelity or abandonment, and others upholding a stricter interpretation. It is clear that God desires the marriage to be of one man and one wife [2]. Jesus even indicates that for some, marriage is necessary due to fleshly desires. [3]

The apostle Paul admits that those who marry face serious trials, given the persecution of Christians during his time, and that married couples are split in their concerns for things of this world. [4] And there lies the problem. Marriage forces attention to worldly concerns such as safety, wealth, education, social status, creating safe environments for children, competition for resources, etc. 

It is the desire for these things that Satan attacks or lures a believer from the path of faith. Still, God permits and recommends marriage for those having difficulty controlling their desires, and marriage is the only legitimate means for doing so before the eyes of God.

This can be a conundrum.

How to satisfy your marriage partner, while attempting to devote oneself to God? If in such devotion, you drive your partner away, you become shunned by the very faith that you sought to uphold! A real Catch-22 scenario and the perfect trap of the devil.

A growing number of evangelical and mainline Protestant leaders urge churches to move beyond condemnation and toward holistic pastoral care.

“Divorce is not the unpardonable sin,” writes Ron Deal, a family therapist, “and the church’s calling is not only to uphold the sanctity of marriage but to walk with those who are suffering” (Deal, 2020). 

Perhaps, but the churches are struggling to address modern changes that are rapidly occurring in marriage, sexuality, and the ambiguous definitions of morality and love as commanded by Jesus.

Hope and Healing: Pathways Forward

Despite the prevalence of troubled marriages, Christianity offers resources for hope and healing. Forgiveness, accountability, spiritual disciplines, and community support are available for those seeking restoration. Many Christian therapists integrate Biblical principles with evidence-based practice, helping couples address root issues — communication breakdown, unmet needs, trauma, and spiritual disconnection.

Additionally, churches are increasingly addressing mental health, trauma, and the realities of blended families. The recognition that faith and psychological insight need not be in opposition has led to more effective approaches to marital crisis (Johnson, 2019).

While these things are promising, there remains a deep problem for divorced believers who remarry — are they in perpetual adultery? 

To repent would it require a second divorce and reconciliation with the first spouse? What if reconciliation isn’t possible? What of the harm being done to the rejected second spouse based on the judgment of the faith community and children born to the relationship?

Consider that the law of Moses indicates that if a man gives a writ of divorce to his wife, and she departs, the woman can remarry another; however, if the woman is again divorced, the first husband can never remarry his first wife. [5] 

The former wife, having slept with her second husband, is considered defiled and no longer eligible for remarriage to her first husband. What should the former husband do if the former wife remarries?

I mention these things to show the complexities involved in sifting through various laws and practices to decide whether or not a remarried divorcee can be forgiven of adultery, or is it perpetual? 

If it is perpetual, this becomes, in effect, an unforgivable sin! Worse, any restoration is dependent on further sins of casting away a family and remaining single for the remainder of the natural life.

We have to be very careful in such situations, as it can force the now single person who, due to desires sought to marry and failed, to now fall into Satan’s trap of fornication or further adultery, seeking sexual partnerships outside of marriage while pretending to be single and celibate just to please the public image of reform to church requirements.

Christians are warned to be aware of the snares of Satan and to be careful in rejecting a believer and isolating them in guilt. We are to be quick to restore, and we must be aware that to Jesus, there is only one unforgivable sin — blasphemy or corruption of the workings of the Holy Spirit — beyond that, there are no unforgivable sins. [6] 

The churches should not create new ones.

Conclusion

Troubled marriages are an inescapable reality within modern Christianity, shaped by both age-old human frailty and new societal pressures. While Biblical ideals remain a guiding light, the complexity of the modern world demands compassion, humility, and practical support from the faith community. 

As churches seek to balance truth and grace, their willingness to walk alongside struggling couples will reflect the heart of the Gospel. A Gospel that calls for love, redemption, and hope, even in the midst of brokenness.

Almighty God has called us to peace. We must not stir up conflict and bitterness, attempting to right every wrong. If a person desires to abandon their marriage, then that burden remains on them without proper cause. But still, with repentance, all can be forgiven, even if marital reconciliation in this life isn’t possible.

© Bob Russell

References

· Barna Group. (2014). Divorce and Marriage: A New Study.

· Bilezikian, G. (1985). Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says About a Woman’s Place in Church and Family. Baker Books.

· Chapman, G. (1992). The 5 Love Languages. Moody Publishers.

· Deal, R. (2020). Building Love Together in Blended Families. Bethany House.

· Johnson, S. (2019). Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples. Little, Brown Spark.

· Keller, T. (2011). The Meaning of Marriage. Dutton.

· Miller, L. (2018). Brave New Marriage: The Reinvention of Christian Marriage in the 21st Century. HarperOne.

· Pew Research Center. (2015). Parenthood and Marriage.

· Raine, L., & Wellman, B. (2012). Networked: The New Social Operating System. MIT Press.

· Smith, C. (2017). Religion: What It Is, How It Works, and Why It Matters. Princeton University Press.

· Wilcox, W. B., & Wolfinger, N. H. (2016). Marriage, Divorce, and the Church: What Do the Numbers Tell Us? Institute for Family Studies.

· Wright, N. T. (2012). Matthew for Everyone, Part 2. Westminster John Knox Press.

[1] Deuteronomy 24:1–4; Matthew 19:8; Mark 10:5; Matthew 5:31–32

[2] Matthew 19:4–6; 1 Corinthians 7:2–3; Ephesians 5:22–33; Mark 10:6–9; Titus 1:6; 1 Timothy 3:12; Malachi 2:14–16

[3] Matthew 19:10; 1 Corinthians 7:6–8

[4] 1 Corinthians 7:26–34

[5] Deuteronomy 24:1–4

[6] Mark 3:29; Luke 12:10